Mali in veliki jaz
Ko sem med opravljanjem male potrebe na stranišču spet zašel v svoje misli, sem pomislil, da verjetno res nisem središče pozornosti drugih ljudi. Ko na hodniku srečaš sodelavko, jo opaziš, pogledaš in večinoma odmislíš. Včasih si rečeš, da je danes res lepo oblečena, ali da ima morda novo frizuro. To pa je tudi vse. Ne razmišljaš o tem, ali je z njo vse v redu, ali ima kakšne težave, ali je srečna. Prav tako ne iščeš napak na njej.
Zakaj me potem tako zelo skrbi, da bi mi drugi hoteli škodovati? Ali res iščejo moje napake in le čakajo na trenutek, ko bi jih lahko izkoristili v svoj prid? Verjetno se najdejo kakšni kreteni, ki to občasno naredijo, večinoma pa upam, da ne. Če ocenjujem po sebi, ta misel ni na seznamu stvari, ki jih je treba opraviti. Je pa tudi res, da dokler pustiš mene na miru, pustim tudi jaz tebe na miru. Kot je rekla moja psihoterapevtka: "Nisi več mali, nemočni Niko, ki se ne more upreti. Si odrasla oseba, odrasel Niko, ki se lahko postavi zase, in tudi nisi nemočen. Če se igraš z menoj, se lahko opečeš." Nisem pa maščevalen, vsaj trudim se, da nisem. Še vedno preveč časa preživim v svojih mislih. Stanje se sicer izboljšuje, vendar bi si želel hitrejših sprememb. Vem pa, da spremembe zahtevajo čas.
Včeraj mi je znanec iz moje polpretekle zgodovine potožil o svojih težavah. Prijazno sem se z njim pogovoril in mu dal nekaj nasvetov. Na koncu pogovora je dejal, da sploh ne ve, zakaj se mi je tako zaupal, ker se običajno ne. Poudaril pa je, da sem ga dobro razumel in tudi razumel, iz česa izhajajo njegove težave. Vendar me ni vprašal, kako sem jaz. Če bi me vprašal, bi mu lahko povedal, da imam tudi jaz nekaj podobnih težav in da ga zato razumem. Zakaj lahko drugim zlahka podajam dobre nasvete in kvalitetne pogovore, do sebe pa sem tako strog in neizprosen? Zakaj se ne morem pogovoriti sam s seboj na enak način, kot se pogovarjam z drugimi? Kakšne ideje?
The Little and the Big Me
While I was using the bathroom and found myself lost in my thoughts again, I thought that I’m probably not the center of attention for other people. When you see a colleague in the hallway, you notice her, look at her, and mostly forget. Sometimes you might think she’s dressed nicely today or that she might have a new hairstyle. But that’s about it. You don’t think about whether she’s okay, if she has any problems, or if she’s happy. You’re also not looking for flaws in her.
So why am I so afraid that others want to harm me? Do they really look for my flaws and just wait for the moment to use them against me? Sure, there are probably some jerks who do that occasionally, but for the most part, I hope not. At least, if I judge by myself, it’s not something on my to-do list. It’s also true that as long as you leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone too. As my therapist said, “You’re not the little, helpless Niko anymore, who can’t stand up for himself. You’re an adult now, the grown-up Niko, who can stand up for himself, and you’re not helpless. If you play with me, you’ll get burned.” But I’m not vengeful, or at least I’m working on not being. I still spend far too much time in my head. Things are improving, but I wish the changes were happening faster. I know, though, that change takes time.
Yesterday, an acquaintance from my recent past confided in me about his problems. I kindly talked to him and gave him some advice. At the end of our conversation, he said he didn’t even know why he confided in me so much because he usually doesn’t. But he emphasized that I understood him well and also understood where his problems came from. However, he didn’t ask me how I was. If he had asked, I could have told him that I’m dealing with some similar issues myself, and that’s why I understand him. Why can I easily give good advice and meaningful conversations to others, but I’m so strict and relentless with myself? Why can’t I have the same kind of conversation with myself that I have with others? Any ideas?
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