Day one

Nepredvidljivost prihodnosti

Ukvarjam se z idejo smrti, s tistim vprašanjem ali potem, ko zadnjič zapreš oči, sledi le še tema in praznina ali pa se prebudiš v novo življenje. Ali se prebudiš v nebesa, mogoče v novo telo ali pa ostaneš nekje vmes. Če smrt pomeni prenehanje vsega, praznino, me je strah. Če pa se teoretično prebudimo v novo življenje, v novo telo ali ostanemo nekje vmes, me je manj strah. Strah me je prenehanja obstoja v kakršnikoli obliki. Ta strah ni samo moj; to je občutek, za katerega menim, da je splošno razširjen. Ampak zakaj me je strah? Mogoče zato, ker ne bom pustil ničesar za seboj, ker bom pozabljen? Kako že pravijo, da se te četrta generacija za tabo sploh ne bo več spomnila. Kaj se zgodi z grobovi, ki so zapuščeni? Prekopana zemlja? Ali pa iz mene govori ego, tista nuja, da nisem nepomemben, da moja dela niso nepomembna in da bom ostal v spominu. A konec se lahko zgodi kadarkoli – zdajle bi lahko potres zatresel zemljo in me pokoplje beton. Še bolj nevarna je vožnja domov, že čez pol ure. 

Kaj želim? Želim biti srečen v teh trenutkih, ki jih še imam. Česa me je strah? Strah me je, da bi umrl nesrečen. Strah me je, da bi bili moji zadnji trenutki na zemlji nesrečni. In strah me je zavedanja, da bi ta trenutek lahko bil že čez nekaj sekund. Kaj lahko storim? Dejansko na to ne morem vplivati. Seveda lahko živim bolj varno in zdravo, a še vedno so trenutki, na katere nimam vpliva. Ne morem vplivati na druge. To je ta nepredvidljivost prihodnosti. Kaj lahko še naredim? Lahko le uživam v sedanjosti in trenutkih, ki jih imam. A lažje je to napisati kot storiti...

The Unpredictability of the Future

I grapple with the idea of death, with that lingering question: after you close your eyes for the last time, is there only darkness and emptiness, or do you wake up to a new life? Do you awaken in heaven, perhaps in a new body, or remain somewhere in between? If death means the end of everything, a void, I am afraid. But if, theoretically, we wake up in a new life, a new body, or linger somewhere in between, I am less afraid. What frightens me is the end of existence in any form. This fear isn’t mine alone; I believe it’s a feeling that is widely shared. But why am I afraid? Maybe it's because I’ll leave nothing behind, because I’ll be forgotten. How do they say it—by the fourth generation, no one will even remember you. What happens to abandoned graves? Do they dig up the earth? Or is it just my ego talking, that need to feel like I’m not insignificant, that my deeds aren’t meaningless, and that I’ll be remembered. Yet the end can come at any moment—an earthquake could shake the ground right now, and I’d be buried under concrete. Even more dangerous is the drive home, just half an hour from now.

What do I want? I want to be happy in the moments I still have. What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of dying unhappy. I’m afraid that my last moments on earth might be filled with sadness. And I’m afraid of the awareness that this moment could come in just a few seconds. What can I do? In reality, I have no control over it. Sure, I can live more safely and healthily, but there are still moments beyond my control. I can't control others. This is the unpredictability of the future. What else can I do? I can only enjoy the present and the moments I have. But that’s easier said than done...